Ring Wars
by PippinStrange
Summary: What happens when I put LOTR & Star Wars characters together... Utter chaos and a disaster beyond my wildest imagination occurs. I wrote this when I was about 12 and found it years later. Enjoy the chaos. R&R.


**Chaos explodes! **

**When characters of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars are thrown together by an evil authoress in a fan fiction, they have no choice but to follow the plot and script. **

**Will Obi Wan ever find out what football is? Will Legolas and Leia flirt and leave Han behind in the shadows? Will all characters cease to exist as we know them, or will greater powers intervene? **

**Read and find out!**

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**FIFF 3: RING WARS**

**By Pippin Baggins**

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One day, sitting at a desk, alone on a Sunday afternoon after church, this girl here decided to write a fan fiction story in which she tortures the characters in a movie she likes.

She decided to use a mixture of her two most favorite movies, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.

By the way, that girl would be me, if you have not guessed yet. And I'm Pippin Baggins. See profile for more details.

"Scratch, scratch" the pencil, ready in my hands, begins the first words…

We're in a random space ship. The walls are cool, cold, and white. Everything is spotless. Little red buttons glow on black, shiny surfaces.

Enter the handsome Anakin, striding down the hall, with a long cloak behind him.

Frodo Baggins, who is much shorter than Anakin's six-foot-sumthin' frame, appears in the foreground from a different door.

"Who are you?" asks Frodo.

"Darth Vader," says Anakin. "Are you with me, or against me?"

"Crud!" cries a voice from the ceiling, (mine). "You're not supposed to be evil! Stop that, now, or I'll kill off your character! No more fan fictions for you!"

"Sorry," says Anakin, "My name isn't Darth Vader. I don't even know what that means. My name is Anakin. What's your name?"

"That's nicer," grumbles the ceiling, (me).

"I…I don't know what's going on," says Frodo. "My name is Frodo Baggins. I'm a hobbit."

"Let's go in here, for a moment, and we can talk," Anakin says confusedly but amiably nevertheless. They go into a lightly furnished room, like an apartment. This is where someone hangs out, or watches TV, if they aren't flying the ship or something.

*ping* Obi Wan comes in. He smiles at Anakin, saying, "Hello, my VERY young apprentice!"

"That's not nice!" says girl-above-the-ceiling. I throw in a short little paragraph, explaining,

"Obi Wan was different than usual—not poky or old-fashioned, but easy-going and less worrisome. Upon seeing Anakin, he grins and says, 'Hey, Anakin! What's up'?"

"Hey Anakin, what's up?" says Obi Wan, cracking his knuckles and settling into an armchair, stretching and crossing his legs. "Nice day, isn't it?"

Frodo backs up to a wall and says, "Who are you? What do you want with me?"

"I didn't know I wanted to do anything to you," Obi Wan is confused! _Silly little Jedi_.

"I know what you seek," says Frodo bravely, "But you cannot take it from me. It is my burden. My own. My pre—oh, never mind."

Authoress is mad now!

_I didn't want Frodo to still be Mister-oh-I'm-the-ringbearer-emo-now-so-you-should-all-sigh-with-sympathy-as-my-blue-eyes-fill-with-tears-and-I-whine-and-make-my-voice-sound-as-if-it-never-went-through-puberty-thing. _

With a poof of light and smoke, the ring disappears and Frodo is happy and frolicky and friendly and knows everyone.

"Anyone for a game of see-food?" he asks.

"There's no food," Anakin says.

"Okay…how about football?"

"What's football?" asks Obi Wan.

PAUSE!

"This is sooooo boring!" says I, Pippinator. "We need more characters. And a plot."

UNPAUSE.

"Well, who do we have HERE?" says Anakin in a very flirtatious voice. "It's Padme Amidala, everyone!"

Obi Wan jumps to his feet and begins to applaud. When he realizes no one else is clapping, he turns red and stutters, "Sorry! I thought it was an introduction, like in a talk show or something."

Padme is yawning and blinking, holding a half-eaten peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwhich in one hand and a corn dog in the other. "I was in the middle of a midnight snack," she says. "What are we all doing here?"

"I'll tell you what you're doing here," says I, gleefully. (Still from the ceiling, and no one can hear me except for me, myself, and I). "After everyone gets here."

PUFF!

Han Solo, Leia, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Boromir, Gandalf, Yoda, (more or less my favorite members of the whole gang) appear in midair.

"Hey everyone!" says a chorus of voices.

"Are you sure you don't want to play football?" Frodo begs Obi Wan.

"I still don't know what that is!" shrieks Obi Wan.

"You and me both, pal!" says Gandalf. "Hey, are you the old-fashioned mentor type of character?"

"Why, yes I am."

"I think we'll get along splendidly!" Gandalf and Obi Wan trot off to have a friendly chat.

"No, old mentor type, I am. Obi Wan still a young master, he is." Yoda growled with jealousy. Gandalf immediately spat at Kenobi's shoes and attempted to link arms with Yoda and skip away merrily with him. He only succeeded in linking arms with Yoda, lifting him off the ground, and causing him to screech with fear as Gandalf galloped away. Obi Wan stared after them, wondering how to even begin reacting. For now, he won't. He can just chill.

"This building is old…and full of memory," says Legolas dreamily. Leia gets a glazed look over her eyes and responds, "It's actually a star cruiser. I can… tell you all about it… if you want?"

"That would be wonderful," Legolas smiles gratefully and offers his arm. "My Lady?"

Han Solo stops up and pulls her arm out of his. "Excuse me," he stutters, red in the face, "This is my girl."

"Now, Hanny-boy," Leia tries to sooth the temper. "Don't be immature. I'm giving this handsome, remarkable, fine specimen of an elf the courtesy to explain the basics of the craft we are in."

"I'm aware of that!" yells Han. "But if he…"

"I beg your pardon," says poor Legolas. "But if its trouble, I can take my leave."

"It's no trouble," says Leia eagerly.

"That'd be great," says Han at the same moment.

Leia glares at him and pats Legolas's shoulder. "Sorry about him, he's just a little weird."

"I'M weird?" shouts Han. "You think I'M weird? Do I have pointy ears?"

"Noooo…" says Leia.

Being nothing but honest, Legolas takes a careful look at Han's ears. "No, they are not pointed, but one is smaller than the other."

"They are not!" protests Han. "Well, your right leg is shorter than the other!"

"It is?" Legolas looks down. "Actually, it isn't. Have you bad eyesight as well as crooked ears?"

"I never!" croaks Han, digging in his brain for a good comeback. "You smell funny and your mom dresses you funny!"

Legolas lifts one eyebrow in confusion. "I smell funny?"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" the author is getting irritated. "Don't say anything unless I TELL you to. You are in MY fan fiction and you will do as I SAY."

Silence.

"Cricket cricket!" Pippin pipes up.

"Shhhh!" says the crowd.

"That's better," I say. "Now for the plot."

"Is Mr. Frodo destroying another ring?" asks Sam.

"Oh, gosh, you're cute!" author/myself says before I can stop myself. "Um, I mean, no, Sam…Frodo isn't destroying another ring…"

I pause. I need a Mary-Sue.

_Ohh, I know, I'LL be a Mary-Sue! _

Entre'Acte!

With a symphony playing, in steps a bee-aah-yoo-tee-full girl. Flowing blonde hair, blue eyes, red lips (very kissable).

Hmm, okay, so maybe it doesn't look like me very much, but she has my brain and my personality. _Haha. She's my representative._

You know what? Scratch that. I should be nothing but myself!

BANG! The Mary Sue disappears with a scream of "Noooooooooooo!" and a cacophony of pink glitter exploding in all directions.

Now, a bluntly obvious Self-Insert + Mary Sue appears, and this time, it's me. The short girl stepped among the crowd, drawing the eye simply because she seemed to come from thin air. She was a very fair-skinned, almost an albino-looking girl, with long brown hair and shocking blue eyes. She had just enough God-given prettiness that no one vomited when they saw her. But her lips weren't colored enough for anyone to swoon, either. In fact, no one swooned, for she gave the room an atmosphere of "I am a cynical girl with no sense of maturity when it comes to FIFFING (Falling into Fan Fiction)". This immediately caused everyone to realize she had a personal bubble, and she was sticking to it. Or would try to, despite the obvious manly beauty of some characters standing around her.

_Now, I am going to take advantage of this whole Mary Sue thing. After all, I am TORTURING them, am I not?_

_WAIT…whom do I fall in love with? I have a hard choice between Han Solo, Anakin Skywalker, Boromir, or Pippin! Oh choices, choices! _

_Okay…Padme goes single, I get Anakin. It would throw off the future except Leia is already here and I just wrote Luke into the (unfortunately) locked cafeteria, so they'll still save the universe._

_Boromir will be my best friend. Pippin will be like my little brother. Han Solo will be like a favorite uncle. (He is a little old for me anyway)._

"Hello, everyone…" I say, in my human form instead of my ceiling form. (I have also decided my name for this story is…uh…Mandy. I'd just go as Pippin like I usually do, right? But there's already a Pippin and we REALLY don't want to confuse the little tyke more than he already is.)

"Mandy!" says Boromir, running up and throwing his arms around me. "It's so good to see you! We haven't seen each other in ages!"

"I know!" I say gleefully. "So, what's up?"

I turn and face Anakin. _Aww, he looks shy._ Boromir pokes me from behind and I step up to him. "Hey," I said.

"Hey," he responded.

"Come on, gimme a hug, Anakin Mannequin!" I hugged him.

Anakin got one of his heart-melting smiles on and hugged back. Yesssss! BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE MIGHTY AUTHORESS!!! I CAN MAKE HOT GUYS HUG ME! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

_Oh, sorry. Lost it for a minute there._

"Do you know what's going on?" Anakin asked.

"I myself, for one, am getting terribly curious…" said Pippin, having finished off Padme's sandwich and letting Merry steal the corndog.

"Aw, Pip," I give him a big hug and a squeeze. "You are adorabibble."

Pippin squirms. "Gosh, Mandy, don't call me that, I'm in my twenties."

"And we BOTH know that in hobbit years YOU are YOUNGER than me! Ha ha!"

Han comes over. I love that big lug.

"Hey kid!" he said with another hug.

_And I totally just rhymed but I didn't mean to. GO ME._

Okay, I have just broken the hug record. Seriously.

"If anyone can tell us what the heck we are doing here, Mandy can…and _should_!" says Boromir pointedly. (the problem with giving characters attributes outside the norm—like him being the best friend character—he seems to know me well enough to understand I am mostly responsible, or just knowledgeable, of this chaos. I need to be more careful with the leeway I give to their freaking brains.) I must change the subject… quickly.

_Seriously—did Boromir just use the phrase 'what the heck'?_

_By jove, he did. _

"You sounded so 21st century!" I grinned. "Hurray for Boromir!"

"It's your 'modern' influence," Boromir said, as if it were a bad thing.

"That's funny, Boromir," said Legolas, Leia right beside him. "Really funny."

I glanced from Leia to Han then back again. _Uh oh._ I hope my author powers aren't out of my control.

"Anyways, Miss Mandy," said Boromir, pushing me into a seat that popped into the air as I 'wrote' it into the story as soon as I realized I was going to fall onto the floor. _(Man, that was a close one!)_

"Well," I said, the LOTR and Star Wars characters sitting cross-legged like little kindergarteners in front of me. "Um…"

_What do I tell them? I haven't thought of a plot yet. _

"Uh…" I turn red. Boromir raises his eyebrows and gives me a stare down. Anakin looks sympathetic, then blushed when I held his eye-contact longer than everyone else. Pippin still looks confused. Han isn't looking at me, he's looking at Leia, and then Legolas, and then Leia again—shooting death-glares the whole time. _Mind if I say uh-oh again? Thank-you. Uh oh._

"Well!" I said cheerily. "You are all here for one purpose!"

"Oooooooh!" they responded. _Muahahaha, love that._

"Uh, someone among you is missing." That's all I could come up with. _How corny._

"Oh?" everyone looked around.

"Chewie!" shouted Han, suddenly in distress. "Oh Chewie! Where is he?"

"That's what we're going to find out," I said, pleased with how it's going. "He's been…well, as far as _we_ know, he's been kidnapped."

"Who's we?" asked Anakin suddenly.

_Oops, not prepared for that. _

"Me and Pippin!" I announced.

"Pippin…?" said Merry, looking at him.

"I looked it up on the internet," said Pippin, acting as if he'd known all along—not because he wanted to save my skin, but afraid he'd already known and forgotten, and then didn't want to look stupid for not remembering that he was part of the 'we'.

"Aha," chorused several voices. To them, internet explains everything, and there are no questions asked.

"There is a renegrade band of Jedi that have fallen to the dark side and think they are still doing a service to the Republic." I explained, getting a little big for my britches.

"Don't you mean rene_gade?" _asked Boromir.

"Yes." I responded without a blink or a pause and a smile. "I see you've been listening very carefully! You get a gold star."

Boromir gave me a look. I continued undaunted.

"These renegade Jedi think they are kidnapping a spy for the dark side of the force, but it's really only our beloved Chewbacca.

"A secret underground base in the dank caves of…Dagobah…has been trying to track them down for years. We've finally got a lead, and we suspect them to have a lofty hideout in the forests on Kashyyyk."

"Wow, how…how do you know all this?" Legolas's eyes are wide with awe.

"I've been in contact with the person in charge of the research."

Pippin winked at me as if that were supposed to be him.

I quickly typed that the room suddenly smelled as if someone passed gas. Every one looked pointedly at Pippin. He immediately stopped winking at me and tried to protest quietly without interrupting me.

"Aha," said Anakin encouragingly, prompting all to listen again.

"So…" Han seemed to collect himself during my speech. "When can we go get my buddy?"

"Let's start now," said Anakin.

"Perfect!" I said. "Let's go."

New Scene. I fast-forward everything. I learned that a FIFF could move in fast-forward when my friend Holly and I were dropped into Pirates of the Caribbean. You could simply skip unimportant traveling scenes by going through them in ultimate speediness while everyones movement and voices were in chipmunk mode.

"Kashyyyk," said Hanny-Boy gravely when we arrived. "It's been a long time since I've been here…does Chewie's family know where he is? Being held hostage on his own home planet?"

"I assume the research team contacted them," I said, getting a little tired of being responsible for everything.

We flew over the foresty treetops, looking for the airbase to land our aircraft.

"AND THIS," I shouted from the ceiling, "Is where we CONCLUDE our adventure."

POP!

Chewbacca appeared amongst us.

"WHAT!" screamed every one. "But, but, we've, uh!"

"What are you saying?" I acted like they were dumb. "Chewie's right there." I pointed at Chewbacca in the corner. Han ran up to him and they embraced sappily.

"What, what happened?" said Frodo hazily.

"I thought we were flying… over Kashyyyk…" said Merry.

"Merry, you've had too much pipe weed," I said, in a disappointed tone. He hung his head in shame.

"I haven't spoken for the past three pages," Obi Wan crossed his arms over his chest.

"There's a hole in the floor," I said.

WHOOPS! Obi Wan plummeted through the opening in the ground to a big pile of purple pillows in the room below. Someone began to wait on him with Dexter's best butterbeers and serenading him with Jabba's best Palace Band selections. He relaxed happily ever after.

"Mandy," said Anakin softly, sneaking up beside me while everyone took turns excitedly hugging and questioning Chewbacca in the grand chaos of a sparkling reunion.

_What is Anakin doing here? I didn't write that before he did that._

I feel as if the magical flow of the words from my pencil is skittering down the page without the slightest inclination of thought or even the touch of my hand! Suddenly it was as if the mind in the ceiling was no longer connected to the avatar of my Mary-Sue-me below.

_Uh oh. _

"Yes, Anakin?" I said, looking desperately towards the ceiling. _What if I am trapped in the limbo of crossover stories with no logic whatsoever? This is madness._

"THIS IS SPARTA!" chortled my own voice from the ceiling. I looked up again, getting a little more worried.

"What is the trouble?" Anakin asked kindly. "You seem worried."

"Uh, I'm, well," _Maybe I should tell him._

It could go something like this:

Why yes, Anakin, you actually aren't in love with me I just wrote you like that. I've actually been taking advantage of every single one of you, torturing these characters not by pain or fear of death but simply by writing you unlike your true selves which is, in fact, the greatest form of torture a plagiarizing writer like myself can bestow on beloved classic characters from both books and film. I am a horrible human being and I am very sorry. I can't even really control things anymore because I am trapped inside my own nightmare, for my writer's hand and Mary-Sue character are no longer of one mind, they are separated in the two different worlds of desk and random ship hovering over Kashyyyk. I suppose I am receiving exactly what I deserve—the loss of the control that was never rightfully mine and the fear that I may be forever trapped inside the hilarious hell I've created. _Well flatten my feet and call me a crocodile_, I might as well say it—I release you from your human bond! _Er, uh, wait. Wrong one._ I release you from my power.

POOF!

Nothing was in my power anymore. The pencil whisked away, the chair flew back, the voice dropped through the ceiling, and I felt whole inside. I was completely in the fan fiction world—and above me, my pencil skittered happily along in its own maniacal enjoyment of writing the story without a writer to write it.

"Is that really what happened?" Anakin asked.

"Did I say all that out loud?" I wondered, panicking.

"Yes, you did," Anakin leaned down and was so close to my ear, his voice tickled. "And I forgive you. Have no fear."

"Well this is un-canon," I hoped I used the term correctly.

"Yes indeed, you wrote me into a different kind of person," Anakin admitted, "But I can change if I wish—now that I know it is all a farce. But what should I return to? A brooding padawan with naught but anger and fear in his heart and power and revenge on the mind? No thank-you. Now that I am made fully aware by you taking advantage of your authoress powers, I've—seen the light, I suppose you could say?"

"Really?" I gazed at him in awe.

"Yes," Anakin gave me a kiss on the cheek. "You're sweet for admitting it all. I'm not in love with you, but I find you a very decent creature. I will from hereafter call you an enemy-turned-friend?"

"Hug?" I requested, sniffling.

We hugged.

"The End?" Anakin asked hopefully, squeezing my shoulder encouragingly.

"THE END!" I shouted. The room imploded into black letters, splotches of color, and remnants of pink glitter. A Clone Wars helmet flew by.

It was a normal Sunday after church.

I sat at my desk, and I reached out and grasped my struggling pencil, before it could start writing the sequel that it was, already, evilly contemplating.

The pencil squirming, I held it to the notepad, and scratched out a bold-lettered, completely genuine, official—

THE END.

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**I Hope you enjoyed the MADNESS. =) Come Again sometime.**


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